Joke of the Day

[SidecarFlip]

[sting]

Proofreading is a dying art, wouldn't you say?


Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter
This one I caught in the SGV Tribune the other day and called the Editorial Room and asked who wrote this. It took two or three readings before the editor realized that what he was reading was impossible!!! They put in a correction the next day.

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Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
No crap, really? Ya think?
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Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Now that's taking things a bit far!

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Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
What a guy!
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Miners Refuse to Work after Death
No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-so's!
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Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
See if that works any better than a fair trial!
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War Dims Hope for Peace
I can see where it might have that effect!
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If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
Ya think?!
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Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Who would have thought!
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Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
They may be on to something!
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Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?
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Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge
He probably IS the battery charge!
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New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
Weren't they fat enough?!
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Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
That's what he gets for eating those beans!
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Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Do they taste like chicken?
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Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
Chainsaw Massacre all over again!
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Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
Boy, are they tall!
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And the winner is....
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

Did I read that right?
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_________________
When you turn your boiler on -- Does it return the favor?
I am sorry - My responses are limited - You must ask the right question!

[SidecarFlip]

...and I pulled in the auto teller line at the local Bank of America the other day (in Dundee, Michigan on M50) and looked up to see the sign above the canopy that said....

Low Clarence 10 feet........

No wonder Bank of America took stimlus money. They can't spell for beans.

I put the location down so if anyone cares to look...they will know I didn't imagine it.

I brought it to the managers attention and he replied.....That is how you spell 'clearance'...right???

I double checked my receipt to make sure the right payment amount was entered.....
_________________
Flipmeisters Specialty Products, LLC
www.flipmeisters.com

[sting]

Will I Live to see 80?

Here's something to think about.

I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive
Lab tests, he said I was doing 'fairly well' for my age. (I just turned 60.)
A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, 'Do you
think I'll live to be 80?' He asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or
wine?'
'Oh no,' I replied.. 'I'm not doing drugs, either!'
Then he asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?
'I said, 'Not much... My former doctor said that all red meat is very
unhealthy!'
'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking,
or bicycling?'
'No, I don't,' I said.
He asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?'
'No,' I said.
He looked at me and said,... 'Then, why do you even give a shit?
_________________
When you turn your boiler on -- Does it return the favor?
I am sorry - My responses are limited - You must ask the right question!

[rb62]

Good one Sting. Life would not be much fun without some of that stuff.

[sting]

----- Bullshit Bingo:

1. Before Barrack Obama's next televised speech, prepare your "Bullshit
Bingo" card by drawing a square -- I find that 5" x 5" is a good size --
and dividing it into columns -- five across and five down. That will give
you 25 1-inch blocks.

2. Write one of the following words/phrases in each block:

· Restored our reputation
· Strategic fit
· Let me be clear
· Make no mistake
· Back from the brink
· Signs of recovery
· Out of the loop
· Benchmark
· Job creation
· Fiscal restraint
· Win-win
· Affordable health care
· Previous Administration
· Empower (or empowerment)
· Greed on Wall Street
· At the end of the day
· "The former administration"
· Touch base
· Mindset
· Corporate greed
· Ballpark
· Game plan
· Leverage
· Inherited as in "I inherited this mess�
· Relief for working families

3. During Obama's speech, check off the appropriate block when you hear one
of those words/phrases.

4. When you get five blocks horizontally, vertically, or diagonally, stand
up and shout "BULLSHIT!"


Testimonials from past satisfied "Bullshit Bingo" players:

"I had been listening to the speech for only five minutes when I won." -
Jack W., Boston

"My attention span during speeches has improved dramatically." - David D.,
Florida

"What a gas! Speeches will never be the same for me after my first win."-
Bill R., New York City

"The atmosphere was tense in the last speech as 14 of us waited for the
fifth box." - Ben G., Denver

"The speaker was stunned as eight of us screamed "BULLSHIT!" for the
third time in two hours."- Harry A, Charlseton



This is really a terrific game. You and all of your unemployed friends can
share those special moments at family get-togethers, religious or government
holidays and even at month's end when your application for food stamps was
denied again because you earn over $14,000 annually. Remember to include
all of the kids in the fun. It's a great way for them to learn about the
future that this administration is creating for them while they are still
young and can't apply for handgun permits yet to protect themselves from
upcoming food riots.
_________________
When you turn your boiler on -- Does it return the favor?
I am sorry - My responses are limited - You must ask the right question!

[sting]

Perks of reaching 50 or being over 60 and heading towards 70!

1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.

2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.

3. No one expects you to run--anywhere.

4. People call at 9 pm and ask, did I wake you?

5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.

7. Things you buy now won't wear out.

8. You can eat supper at 4 pm.

9. You can live without sex but not your glasses.

10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.

11. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

12. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room.

13. You sing along with elevator music.

14. Your eyes won't get much worse.

15 . Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.

16. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.

17. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.

18. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.

19. And you notice these are all in Big Print for your convenience.
_________________
When you turn your boiler on -- Does it return the favor?
I am sorry - My responses are limited - You must ask the right question!

[former farmer]

A 3-year-old, excited to start her first day in preschool, spends some time carefully packing a canvas back pack she had decorated earlier in Vacation Bible School. Once complete, she comes to her mom, wearing it proudly and says, "I am all repaired!"

A Kindergarten teacher was observing her students while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was. The girl replied, "I'm drawing God." The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like." Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute."

When Ray was in 3rd grade, he told his mom that he was really nervous about a test he had to take that day. She lovingly told him, "Well, let's pray about it before you go to school." He thought about it for a minute and said, "Mom, would that really be fair to the other kids?"

One day, a 5-year-old told her mom that she didn't want to go to school. The mom said, "I don't want to go to work, but I have to." The little girl replied, "No you don't. You're the mom, and if you don't want to, you don't have to."

The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. "Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.'" Quickly, a small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher, she's dead."

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible. The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah." The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?" The little girl replied, "Then you ask him."
_________________
Quadrafire Castile Insert
Harman PB105 boiler
WoodMaster pellet grill